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[colorature]

TEXT | VOICE | VIDEO

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[lempereur]

yes.

we broke up.

although that phrase implies that it was a real relationship, and not just silly flirtation. I wish I had known that earlier.

[colorature]

you broke up
but
i thought you were together
wataru seemed to really like you

[lempereur]

That may be, but he doesn't love me. He doesn't want me to love him, either. He wants to play house without ever being vulnerable.

[colorature]

how do you know he doesnt love you

[lempereur]

I confronted him about it. I didn't want to break up, but he can't return my feelings.

[colorature]

what did he do to make you confront him

[lempereur]

It wasn't something that he did. It's what he doesn't do.

He doesn't let his guard down. He doesn't even let me sleep in his bed, because he can't be seen without the barrier of putting on an act. He doesn't want real intimacy.

[colorature]

are you sure its not that he doesnt want it
and hes just scared
tsurugi was scared
he still kind of is
he hates talking about his feelings and usually when i try to get him to we just end up having sex or get in a fight or fight and then have sex
but i know its because hes afraid
not because he doesnt love me or care about me
thats the one thing i know is true more than anything
even if hes bad at showing it sometimes

[lempereur]

I can't be with someone who is more afraid of vulnerability than he is of losing me. I told him so and he accepted it. He barely blinked.

[colorature]

maybe he was in shock
maybe he thinks youre better off without him and can do better
wataru likes to smile a lot but sometimes his smiles are like tsurugis

[lempereur]

This was two weeks ago. I still live in his house, he could try to mend it at any time.

If any of that were true, he could say so. I wanted to work it out.

[colorature]

you still live with him?
he probably thinks you hate him yusuke

[lempereur]

I do.

I don't hate him. I hope I haven't given you that impression. He was kind enough to renew our contract anyway, so that I could keep my studio and stay with Goro.

He shouldn't think that either. I love him. and I've told him so. That's why we can't be together like that anymore, because it will only hurt me more in the long run if he can't return my feelings. It's better to stop now, before I fall deeper than I can pull myself out of.

I'm angry with him, but that's my own fault. We want different things.

[colorature]

of course he would think you hate him
men who are scared like that immediately will jump to that conclusion
it doesnt matter what you say
even tsurugi is afraid ill leave him someday
even though he knows i love him and would kill for him and want no one else but him
what makes wataru different from goro
goro is worse about showing his emotions

[lempereur]

If Wataru doesn't listen, that has nothing to do with me. Why would I tell him that I love him if I hate him?

Goro is worse about speaking on his emotions.

But it's different

The way he holds me...I know that I am his, and I know that he needs me to be his. I feel wanted and safe with him, instead of uncertain. Despite his rough edges, I know that we are partners, bound together.

We understand each other.

[colorature]

do you though
understand goro
are you sure about that yusuke
hes bound to me by blood you know
forever
if i told him to kill you he would obey
if i told him i wanted to eat you for breakfast he would serve you up on a platter to me
i think youre being unfair to wataru
even if hes also an idiot and as stupid as tsurugi can be

[lempereur]

Yes, I do. Why would you say something like that? It's cruel.

Don't compare him to Tsurugi.

[colorature]

im making a point
and ill compare them all i want theyre both fools with fake smiles

[lempereur]

What is the point? To make me feel more lonely? I already know he has to choose you first. That isn't helpful.

I wanted to make his smile real, but he won't let me get close enough.

[colorature]

the point is not to assume you know everything about the people you love
that includes wataru
remember how you asked me how to get goro to open up
that doesnt mean wataru is a lost cause
are you really going to give up on him
clearly he cares about you
otherwise he wouldnt have recontracted with you
imagine how painful that would be if you were in his shoes

[lempereur]

I didn't say I knew everything

it's different with him than it is with wataru. I don't have to know everything to properly see him.

I dont want to give up on wataru. I still love him. But I need him to make an effort, and he hasn't, despite every opportunity. It's painful for me top, Diva.. I don't want to wait for someone who makes me feel like I'm not good enough to earn their trust, much less their love.

[colorature]

ill yell at him then
for being an idiot

[lempereur]

You don't need to get involved, Diva. I want him to come to me because he misses me and he wants to, not because you force him to.

I apologize. I shouldn't have said anything.

[colorature]

no its okay
i was kind of mean to you
im sorry

[lempereur]

It's alright
Perhaps I am cursed
Always to fall in love with men that I can't truly have, not completely, the way I want to.

...you wouldn't do that, would you?